There are some people who instantly make you feel comfortable. The kind who can turn a quick chat at the front door into an hour-long conversation about life. That’s Emma.
Having lived next door to her for the majority of my life, I’d heard countless stories about her nieces, nephews and extravagant shopping adventures, but there was one thing she’d never really spoken about: relationships. So when the conversation eventually drifted towards dating thanks to my new column, I wasn’t expecting what came next.
“I’m a 63-year-old virgin,” Emma told me matter-of-factly. I nodded quietly, careful not to let my empathy slip into pity.
“Do you mind me asking if there is a reason why?” I asked. Emma gave a rueful smile and shrugged. “Honestly, it’s because I let my weight stop me from finding love.”
‘I never felt pretty enough’
It was hard not to feel a pang of sadness listening to her. The woman I knew was beautiful, hilarious and generous to a fault, yet she was describing a lifetime spent believing she wasn’t enough.
“I was always bigger than the other girls growing up,” she explained. “Not by a huge amount, but enough for people to comment on it. Those comments really stuck with me.”
Over time, those remarks chipped away at her confidence. “I never felt pretty enough or skinny enough to go to dances or put myself out there,” she said. “But I always thought, ‘When I lose the weight, then I’ll start dating.'”
The problem was that day never came.
“I kept waiting and waiting,” she continued. “Then suddenly the years slipped by.”
Listening to her speak, it struck me that Emma hadn’t consciously chosen to stay single. She’d spent decades postponing her life until she felt worthy enough to live it.
When I asked whether she’d ever had a boyfriend, she shook her head.
‘I replay those kisses in my head sometimes…’
“No,” she smiled sadly. “I’ve only been kissed twice.” Both happened when she was a young teenager. “I actually cried after the first kiss,” she laughed. “The boy tried to use tongue and it gave me such a fright.”
Despite the awkwardness of the moment, those memories have become surprisingly important to her. “It’s funny,” she admitted. “I replay those kisses in my head sometimes and romanticise them far more than they deserve. They were terrible at the time.”
Despite never having had sex herself, Emma has always been fascinated by it. “Oh, I was the expert amongst my friends,” she laughed.
Growing up, she would regularly visit the local library and sneak off to read science and anatomy books, determined to learn everything she could. “I’d come back and report my findings to my friends like some sort of researcher,” she joked. “They were all far more experienced than me, but somehow I was still the one explaining things.”
‘I would have loved to have been a mum’
While her own love life never materialised, her curiosity certainly never disappeared. To this day, Emma proudly buys the annual sexy firefighters calendar and has a soft spot for particularly handsome men in uniform. Who can blame her?
“I tell everyone it’s for charity,” she laughed. “But let’s be honest, that’s not the only reason.” These days, she admits she often lives vicariously through the romantic highs and lows of her favourite television dramas. “I love a good raunchy storyline,” she confessed. “I’ve spent enough years on the sidelines that I may as well enjoy everyone else’s love lives.”
As our conversation continued, it became clear Emma’s life had been full in many other ways. She built a successful career, travelled, and became a beloved aunt and great-aunt. “I’ve been lucky in a lot of respects,” she said. “My extended family is one of the greatest joys of my life.”
Still, there are things she wishes she’d experienced. “I would have loved to be a mum,” she admitted. “I think that’s probably the hardest part.”
‘I was so scared of rejection, I rejected myself first’
For years, Emma blamed her weight for the life she didn’t have. But with age has come perspective.
“The funny thing is, I don’t actually think my weight was ever the problem,” she reflected. “Looking back, I think there probably was someone out there for me.” I found myself nodding emphatically.
“People have always told me I have a pretty face,” she laughed. “I dress well, I wear lovely jewellery, I always smell nice.” Then she paused. “I just never gave myself a chance.”
Unlike so many stories about heartbreak, there was no devastating rejection at the centre of Emma’s. “I was so scared of rejection that I rejected myself first,” she said.
For a moment, neither of us spoke. Then Emma summed up six decades of self-doubt in one heartbreaking sentence. “I was going to wait until I lost the weight,” she shrugged. “But I never did. I was such a fool.”
Thankfully, there was no bitterness in Emma’s voice, just an honesty born of years of reflection. “You can’t put an old head on young shoulders,” she told me. It’s a lesson she’s learned the hard way. “If I could go back, I’d tell myself I was enough exactly as I was.”
‘Don’t wait until… ‘
Her friends still encourage her to date. “They’re always trying to set me up,” she chuckled. But Emma insists she’s genuinely happy. “I’ve got a wonderful family, lovely friends and complete freedom to do whatever I like.” She grinned. “Some of my married friends are actually jealous.”
Of course, there are still moments when she wonders what might have been. That’s only human. But she’s made peace with the choices she made and the opportunities she missed. More than anything, she hopes younger women learn from her story.
“I’d tell anyone struggling with their confidence not to wait,” she said. “Don’t wait until you’re thinner. Don’t wait until you’re prettier. Don’t wait until you’re perfect.”
Before we wrapped up our conversation and got back to our daily lives, Emma shared one final thought. “Therapy wasn’t really something people talked about when I was young,” she said. “But if I could go back, that’s exactly what I’d do.” Then she smiled. “It would’ve saved me from wasting so many years believing I wasn’t enough.”
If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that Emma was always enough.
Read more columns in the Between Us series, here.
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